Don’t Make ‘A MESS’ with the Talk

What talk? Perhaps it’s a talk about alcohol or about drugs, or about social media, or something else with someone important to you. Below is “A MESS” guide of what NOT to say, and what to do instead.

First, the A. Don't accuse them of having an Addiction. 

A person who is using or displaying similar behaviors might be expressing curiosity, engaging in experimentation, or participating in social activities. Saying addiction and the label of addict is so negative, that you end up arguing the label versus focusing on behavior issues. There are four harms to assess behavior to avoid the label battle:

1. Physical- (for alcohol, as severe as cirrhosis of the liver and as simple as being tired when for work or school the next day);

2. Mood (emotional instability such as being cranky, or moody);

3. Relationships (home, school, or work); 

4. Academically or vocationally.

Second is M. Don't make it a Moral issue.

By implying the behavior is a moral failing, you have just insulted them, but yet still expect them to talk with you?! There's more to behavior than values. You can get to that later. 

Third is E. Don't make it about Education.

Ironically, the other person probably knows more about it (drugs, for example) than you do! And people try to “educate”- including, scare them (the “Reefer Madness” propaganda!) which causes one to lose credibility.  The implication of an educational approach is that once educated, that of course, the person will stop, unless they are hella stupid! Versus a moral insult, this is an intelligence insult. Usually, the person already knows they shouldn't be doing it, but that hasn't been enough for them to stop or adjust.

The fourth problematic approach is S. Don’t call it Social.

This implies that it's caused by the social peer group.  Like catching dysfunctional behavior as an infectious disease?! Reality is you are more than likely to find other people like yourself. Stoners are not going to hang out with gardening clubs. And there are plenty of people who are socially exposed and who do not copy this behavior. 

The final S stands for Self-soothing or Self-medication. 

Initial behavior might be from curiosity, experimentation, and/or social expectations, but as soon as there are problems (the four harms) it's entirely logical/natural that one stops or modulates behavior. So why continue doing it? Behavior may be from needing self-soothing or self-medicating for emotional and psychological (sometimes physical) pain, anxiety, depression, stress, and loss. 

So yes, the behavior that you want to do a talk about might indicate problems. However, the problem may not be the behavior, but the behavior as symptomatic of deeper problems. Now that is a different talk to have.