What You See is What You Get

In the last article, I discussed knowing what you really, really want. Do you know what’s interesting? Out of all the people I come across and talk to, very few people know what they really want. Why is that? I came across a parable that helped bring some light to this question I had.

A group of blind men heard that a strange animal, called an elephant, had been brought to the town, but none of them were aware of its shape and form. Out of curiosity, they said: "We must inspect and know it by touch, of which we are capable". So, they sought it out, and when they found it they groped about it. The first person, whose hand landed on the trunk, said, “This being is like a thick snake”. For another one whose hand reached its ear, it seemed like a kind of fan. Another person, whose hand was upon its leg, said, the elephant is a pillar like a tree trunk. The blind man who placed his hand upon its side said the elephant, “is a wall”. Another who felt its tail described it as a rope. The last felt its tusk, stating the elephant is that which is hard, smooth, and like a spear.

This parable talks about the importance of context. Each person saw only one portion of the elephant and thought it was the whole. Had they been able to feel the entire elephant, they would have come to a different conclusion.

Has this ever happened to you? Have you ever assumed something about a situation and been completely wrong about it? Maybe you thought someone was a bad person when they were just having a bad day. Maybe you thought this attractive person was interested in you when they weren’t? The second example hurts, not that I’ve experienced it.

There are a couple of takeaways that I think are worth considering. The first one is more obvious, and that’s for us to try to see the bigger picture. In your life, have you ever experienced something that felt bad in the moment, but after a few years, you realized it was nothing? Or maybe it was because of that bad thing that something good happened to you? I remember when I applied for a behavior analyst job after I got certified. I really thought I got the job, but they didn’t even call me back. I was so upset at first, but that brought me into the tennis coaching world, which then led to starting my own business and becoming a life coach. I would not have the freedom I have, nor the perspective I have if I got that job. I couldn’t see the bigger picture at that moment.

The other perspective has to do with how you interact with others. We see a lot of angry, sad, or generally unhappy people these days. When you come across these people, they probably aren’t the nicest or most respectful people. But if you were able to take a few minutes to understand their situation, I think you might reconsider your initial judgment. I think the most common example would be people in the service industry. Your barista at your local cafe might not have the best attitude, but you may not have been there when they opened the store at 4 a.m. and were harassed by a homeless person or berated by a rude first customer of the day. They’re still trying to bounce back from that when you came into the store.

As a behavior analyst, I worked with adults with developmental delays in group homes and they had 24/7 staffing. This meant there was staff there all day and night. I used to think the workers were lazy, but then after I got to know them, I found out that many of them had two or even three jobs. It’s not uncommon to hear about people taking naps in their cars in between jobs because they are going from shift to shift. They work three jobs so they can afford the rent for their family, a family they barely see because they’re working all the time. After hearing their stories, my respect for them grew tremendously.

I personally appreciate this parable because it allowed me to become much more understanding of other people’s situations and be less judgmental. I don’t really believe anyone wants to be angry or rude, but sometimes life situations force you into that state of being. If you find yourself in that situation of being stuck in a bad place, please reach out to me and we’ll work on moving forward from that place.

Kevin Koo coaches people in personal, business, and leadership development while reading about animals with his son. Contact him at kevinkoocoaching@gmail.com